#13 The man with the half-pint

Perhaps with the exception of Horlicks, the lager top, and the emerging popularity of slimline tonic to accompany your Gordon’s, the half pint is the most sinister drink regularly consumed. The purchaser of the half-pint in any establishment will automatically provoke wary looks from his fellow clientele. This is for a myriad of reasons, but these two strike me as being particularly significant.

Firstly, the man who buys the half pint is often sitting alone. He is watching you. Perhaps he is waiting for an opportunity to accost you. He will often attempt to make eye contact with you, a seemingly innocent and harmless enough gesture but one that could lead to an enforced conversation, leaving you feeling more awkward than virgin in a barracks. Initially perhaps, you may be comforted by the fact that the man accosting you only has a half pint- how long can this conversation last until an empty vessel provides you with a heaven sent opportunity to beat a hasty retreat? But it is here that the man with the half pint truly manifests his sinistry. He can make it last an hour. Perhaps more. The purchase of one half-pint will give him more than enough time to choose an unwilling victim, engage him and ensnare him for a remarkable period of time.

And secondly, the man with the half-pint is making a statement. He is not drinking a full pint. In God’s name why not?! Does the consumption of 2 units of alcohol turn him into a nightmarish beast one can only imagine? Like a cross between the Incredible Hulk and Freddie Flintoff perhaps. Or maybe is the man with the half-pint deliberately appearing occupied whilst maintaining perfect sobriety, like card players in Vegas? Does this mean the fact that there is a primary school/secluded car park/mini-golf course in the vicinity suddenly bear significance?

The man with the half-pint is the mortal enemy of public house frequenters all over the world. The man who orders a half-pint lager top can only be imagined.

Attic Rating: 4.5/10