Friday, 5 February 2010

#20 P.E. Teachers

In order to fully understand the uniquely sinister nature of the PE teacher I have compiled a list of well-known PE teacher maxims:

‘There is no such thing as bad weather just inappropriate clothing’.

This maxim is used almost exclusively on Duke of Edinburgh expeditions to the Brecon Beacons where the weather is never not adverse at best. It is about as helpful as an Orange Lodge in the Vatican.

‘Failing to prepare is preparing to fail’. Alternatively- ‘prior preparation prevents piss poor performance’.

Neither are particularly helpful when stated seconds after you have impaled your testicles on another piece of antiquated gym equipment, as humiliating mal-coordination and gravity deal you another shitty hand.

‘Positive Mental Attitude’.

This is the call from the touch line whenever the opposing rugby team look as though they all hit puberty in the womb and stand at least a foot taller than the only boy on your side with hairy legs.

‘It’s not the winning that counts, it’s the taking part’.

For an opposing view of this statement, ask any of the dads on sports day who turn up wearing running spikes

‘Walk it off’.

This is never said ironically, nor is it said with pity, empathy or in any tone indicating concern. Instead, it is a method by which the PE teacher asserts his own hardiness, as if your compound fracture of the tibia pales into insignificance next to that time he took 5 wickets with a concussion/dislocated shoulder/collapsed lung. He will further manifest his sinistry by firmly slapping you on the back or bottom, as if his magic caress will avert the need for several months in plaster.

‘Healthy body, healthy mind’

This belief is somewhat weakened by the fact that PE teachers never teach any other subject but geography

PE teachers are almost certainly the most sinister institution within schools in this country. The pain they inflict on their pupils in pursuit of fruitless and archaic exercises is the price paid to swell the ego of those that teach physical education, to assert their divinely held status as the alpha males of the staff room.

Attic Rating: 5.2


  1. Very funny. Particularly the bit about Geography. I had a PE teacher once who brought a sheep's heart to assembly and pretended it was a human heart. Think the message was 'don't get fat or you turn into a sheep', or something similarly cogent. I believe he's returned to work in Bath.

  2. Having been nominated three times for School Colours for Chess by the (biology) teacher in charge of Chess, I was vetoed each time by the Head of Games (a particularly sinister species of PE teacher).

    When I consulted the Head Master to query this series of seemingly arbitrary and inexplicable decisions, I was informed that:

    "PE teachers are in a unique position in that they teach all pupils in the school, and they see their pupils 'develop' over the course of their school careers, unlike, say, the classics teachers. PE teachers are therefore in a better position than other teachers to decide who should be awarded School Colours."

    What the Head Master obviously overlooked is that PE teachers are, on the whole, sinister and often wouldnt be able to spell 'chess' let alone tell you about the Sicillian Defence.

  3. @Anonymous

    I would suggest that, on balance, the wider world's ignorance of classic 'defence' techniques has been to your advantage.