#21 Children

Ah, children. They don’t mean it, the poor bastards. They’re just skipping along, living their life, waiting not to be children any more; little do they know how sinister they are by their very existence. And I don’t even mean the violent little shits whom you cross the street to avoid: at least they are straightforward, easy to understand. No, it’s the ‘normal’, ‘well-behaved’ ones who really creep me out.

One reason for this is the unsettling quality associated with almost everything associated with childhood. Toys; skipping; shorts; ice-cream; playdates; paper rounds: all these phenomena are seen as distinctly bizarre when applied to anyone over the age of thirteen. Yet this is an artificial distinction: these articles are in fact inherently sinister, and it is merely hypocritical to allow their use to children, but not to adults. Still, the kids can’t get enough of them.

Worse is the way that children claim to be little humans. I know humans: humans are rude, boring, pissed and depressive. Children, by contrast, are friendly, charming, sober and perpetually excited – WHAT ARE THEY HIDING? Childhood is a fundamental denial of human nature; beware of taking it at face value. There’s something sinister going on behind the mask.

Attic rating: 8.2