Tuesday, 23 February 2010

#23 Valentine's Day

One of the main tenets of sinistry is that it confers on its instigator a hidden sexual advantage - leverage for deviancy that is clear to everyone bar its victim, who instead simply thinks the sinstigator is being ‘kind’, ‘generous’, ‘thoughtful’ or, worst of all, ‘lovely’. There is no more telling sign that sinistry is at hand than the recipient (often female) saying to her friends (also usually female): “Oh yeah thanks it was really lovely, he was so thoughtful and sweet”.

In fact, he (as it usually is) was being neither sweet nor lovely. He was being deeply sinister. You might say he was being thoughtful, but only in the sense that he had successfully conjured a plan that combined in the correct measure financial generosity, emotional blackmail and some kind of horrendous faux-cultural visitation, and then executed this plan efficiently. Not thoughtful out of consideration for her feelings, except if you count offering her dignity sufficient anasthetic for what he has in mind for later.

Valentine’s Day is without doubt the yearly highpoint of this behaviour. Though in the weeks leading up both men and women will say things like “oh we never do anything for Valentine’s Day, it’s so commercial”, or “we’re just going to have pasta and watch a DVD at home”. Neither of these is remotely true. Firstly, no self-respecting Western woman has eaten pasta since 2002, and secondly the men have in fact been working feverishly to draw up an itinerary of unparalleled sinistry. Mini-breaks are considered and then dumped on grounds of cost, lavish meals served on heart-shaped plates are booked. Theatre tickets to see terrible shows are arranged, and treasure trails laid around Royal Parks. Hotel rooms are booked around the corner. Why? So that for one night the happy couple can go on a mini-break to the Deviant’s Republic of Sinistry, just like all the other couples.

Men do not do this because they are thinking “it’ll be nice to give her a nice day and make her feel special” They do this because they are thinking “It’ll be nice to fuck her in the ass after tying her spread-eagled and gagged to the rickety aluminium bedposts of the Southwold Premier Inn and get away with it”. As the famous saying goes, it’s not degrading if you’ve been taken to the Botanical Gardens that day.

It should be noted that women, in their own way, can be equally as sinister as the men on this day, particularly with regard to other women. Though it reveals a shocking naivety with regard to the intentions of their menfolk, women’s Valentine’s Day stories are deployed as a shocking and debilitating blow to other women’s reproductive organs. With an innocent grin, women happily embellish, omit and lie in order that other women will feel bad about themselves. These statements are meant to make those women with boyfriends feel like they’re second-class citizens, drawn from the bottom of the Tesco basics shelf of the sexual hierarchy. To single women they merely say – “you might as well go and drown yourself in a bin, love, for all the shagging that’s coming to you”.

Attic Rating: 8.1

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