#4 Braces/Suspenders

They say that necessity breeds invention, and few needs are more urgent than keeping one’s trousers up. Though it might sound hilarious, I’ve always found that waddling around with your chinos round your ankles is a surefire way to be kicked out of the post office or John Lewis.  And invention has responded admirably to this need. We have belts, elastic, a variety of fly configurations, not to mention the classic technique of getting trousers that ‘fit’.

 

Pray then someone tell my why anybody sees fit to perpetuate braces, or suspenders to our American friends - the most sinister of all trouser accoutrements. Serving no practical purpose since the chimney sweeps from Mary Poppins (more on them later), their appearance, usually down the front of portly pinstriped city bankers, says a number of things: I am wealthy. My trousers shall not full down today. I own no mirrors. Most emphatically, however, it states: I if I just slip my thumbs under these thin strips of material, I shall be exposing myself to you.  Underneath by well-fed exterior, I am a deeply shady individual. They inspire in the viewer nothing but the prickly sense of imminent molestation. Make no mistake - suspenders/braces are deeply, deeply sinister. Suspect on sight. 

Attic Rating: 6.5/10

#2 Wine Gums

It goes without saying that a terrific variety of confectionery could be considered slightly sinister, and the range of characters associated with them would need a whole blog of their own (some, such as the almost incredibly sinister Milky Bar Kid, will almost certainly appear later on). 

However, especially creepy of their own accord are Maynard’s Wine Gums. These horrible little bags of mystery are purchased and offered only by sinister figures: grandparents at pantomimes, godfathers at Shakespeare’s Globe, parents of friends of the family in Jaguars. Are they sweet? Are they sour? Do they actually contain alcohol? Such small sweets, so many questions; they’re like little gelatinous metaphors for date rape. One thing is certain: “would you like a wine gum” is one of the most sinister questions you can ask in any situation, and for that reason they make the list.

Attic Rating: 5/10

#1 Spare Shoelaces

Ah, the spare shoelace collection. *shivers*

The spare shoelace collection ranks as one of the most sinister things a human being can possess. No one ever replaces their shoelaces, obviously, but yet my father still insists on de-lacing any old pair of shoes he (or any other member of my extended family) throws out.

'Why are you doing that?'

'What?'

'Keeping old shoelaces.'

'No reason.'

What could possibly happen that would require the spare laces? A request from the gerbil for materials to assist his auto-erotic experiments? As he suffocates himself on a tiny raisin? Or, perhaps, you wake up one morning to find that, in a fit of drunken malice, your former slip-on shoe salesman has broken into your house and stolen your shoelaces. You laugh the laugh of a man who has prepared for this eventuality. 'Ha! I was prepared for this all along! Where's the gerbil?'

Sinistery requires a partial blind-spot concerning what it is needed, as opposed to what is just, er, sinister. My father obviously doesn't need the spare shoelaces, and he knows this. He just likes them. Which is about as sinister as it gets.

Attic Rating: 7/10